Phone service.

Oui, c'est une très longue note, mais c'est la vraie vie, que veux-tu?

Je viens de vivre un truc totalement surréaliste. J'ai appelé un numéro 0800 américain pour modifier une réservation à 7h du matin et j'ai été mise tout de suite un lien avec une vraie dame pas indienne qui a écouté mon histoire et réglé mon problème en moins de deux.

Un truc de fous.


Parce que mes chers ami-e-s, vous, suisses ou français, vous ne savez pas ce que c'est vraiment l'enfer du service par téléphone.

For [insert here a service you don't need], press 1,
For [insert here a service you don't need], press 2,

For [insert here a service you don't need], press 3,
For [insert here a service you don't need], press 4,
For other services, hold on.


Ensuite, pendant dix minutes.


Tuuut. tuuuut.

Did you know that you may go online and save time? Go online for any inquiries you may have.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Please wait. We value our customers, your satisfaction is important to us. We'll be assisting you shortly.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Did you know that you may go online and save time? Go online for any inquiries you may have.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Please wait. We value our customers, your satisfaction is important to us. We'll be assisting you shortly.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Did you know that you may go online and save time? Go online for any inquiries you may have.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Please wait. We value our customers, your satisfaction is important to us. We'll be assisting you shortly..

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Did you know that you may go online and save time? Go online for any inquiries you may have.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Please wait. We value our customers, your satisfaction is important to us. We'll be assisting you shortly.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Did you know that you may go online and save time? Go online for any inquiries you may have.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Please wait. We value our customers, your satisfaction is important to us. We'll be assisting you shortly.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Tuuuut. Tuuut.

Ouais, c'est un truc de fous. Après un quart d'heure de musique de merde et de "we value our customers", il y a parfois une tonalité. Et là, joie, allégresse, tu penses qu'il se passe quelque chose.

Did you know that you may go online and save time? Go online for any inquiries you may have.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Et ben non.

Donc une solution, c'est de raccrocher et de tenter une autre combinaison.

Genre, le DMV, c'est du bonheur pur.

For [insert here a service you don't need], press 1.

1.

Tuuut tuuuut.

Please give me your name -

Allô? Hi....

Please give me your name -

Oh, you're not real....

Please give me your name -

M'dame Jo

I didn't quite get that, please repeat.

Mmmmd'aaaaameee Jjjjjjoooo.

I didn't quite get that, please repeat.

M'dame Jo.

I didn't quite get that, please spell it.

M.D.A.M.E.J.O.

Thank you. Please give your street name.

Middlefield Road.

I didn't quite get that, please repeat.

Miiiidddddlllleeefiiiieeeeelddd Rrrrroooooaaaad.

Thank you. Please give your street number.

1234.

I didn't quite get that, please repeat.

1.2.3.4.

Thank you. Please give your city.

Mountain View.

I didn't quite get that, please repeat.

Putain, connasse, j'ai dit Mountain View, tu le veux dans le cul, mon accent?

I didn't quite get that, please repeat.

Mmmmmouuuuuntain Vvvviiiiieeeeew.

I didn't quite get that, please repeat.

Palo Alto.

Thank you. Please hold on, we'll be right with you.

Did you know that you may go online and save time? Go online for any inquiries you may have.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Please wait. We value our customers, your satisfaction is important to us. We'll be assisting you shortly.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Did you know that you may go online and save time? Go online for any inquiries you may have.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Please wait. We value our customers, your satisfaction is important to us. We'll be assisting you shortly..

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Did you know that you may go online and save time? Go online for any inquiries you may have.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Please wait. We value our customers, your satisfaction is important to us. We'll be assisting you shortly.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Je vais craquer. Je vais tous me les faire. Tous. TOUUUUUUS!

Did you know that you may go online and save time? Go online for any inquiries you may have.

*Petit jingle de merde.*


Tuuuut. Tuuuut.


Please wait. We value our customers, your satisfaction is important to us. We'll be assisting you shortly.

*Petit jingle de merde.*


All our assistants are currently busy. The approximate waiting time is... 34 minutes.

Alors là, tu mets ton téléphone sur haut parleur et attends.

37 minutes plus tard de...

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Please wait. We value our customers, your satisfaction is important to us. We'll be assisting you shortly.

*Petit jingle de merde.*

Tuuuut. Tuuuut.

-Hi, my name is Melissa, how may I help you today?

Tu te rues sur le téléphone...

-Hi Melissa, I'm M'dame Jo, I was calling to ask about [insert your request here].

-Aw, I'm afraid I cannot help you yet. You need to fill the form X43bb7 first.

-But how do I get it?

-I'll mail it to you. What's your address?

- But, I already gave it.

-Yeah, well, I don't have it, so please give it again.

-So it's [insert address here].

-Thank you, I'll mail it today and then you may call back. By....

-Noooooooo, Melissa, waiiiiiiit. I can't go through all the menus and the wait again, please no, please, pretty pretty please?

-Aw, of course. I'll give you the menu selections that will get you through to me. So, it's the 800-SERVICE-2-5-2-1-2-3-1-4-3-1-2-3-1-2-3-3-1-1-4-1.

-That'll get me through?

-Yes. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Le truc de fous, c'est qu'une fois que tu as parlé à Melissa, tu reçois le courrier le lendemain et rappelles le 800-SERVICE-2-5-2-1-2-3-1-4-3-1-2-3-1-2-3-3-1-1-4-1 qui te dirige droit vers Melissa qui te règle ton dossier en cinq minutes.

Donc, ouais, un 0800 qui te dirige tout de suite vers un humain, c'est du bonheur.

Et je tiens à dire que la SEULE chose sur laquelle j'ai exagéré, c'est la longueur de l'extension qui dirige vers Melissa, mais il y avait bien 9 ou 10 chiffres à rajouter. Le reste, c'est du vécu à 100%.